i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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