You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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