I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
