there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
