just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
where does the pee come out of this thing
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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