My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Randomize
