If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
