I wish my penis had an off switch
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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