i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Randomize
