woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
