I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
we should paint friendship bongs
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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