you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
