Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
