I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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