I think im going to throw up on grandma
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
