god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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