The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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