hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
