Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
