Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
