I think I died a long time ago.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
