I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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