Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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