You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You are a genius and a whore.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
