My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
