Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
