i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
