i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
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I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
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The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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