Soap is not a condiment
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
