Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
