yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
