you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
