sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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