Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
we have officially lost it.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
How external is "for external use only"?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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