this beer tastes like vomit already
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
