its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
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No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
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The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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