I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
