thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
