the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
