Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
