those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Randomize
