I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
