i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
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I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
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I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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