when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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