I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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