That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
