I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
