Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
