i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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