I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
