I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
