I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
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Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
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I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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