i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
