my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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