I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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